Midday Fix: The Heart of the Fight author Judith Wright

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Dr. Judith Wright, Ed.D.


Check out the website to get two free chapters of her new book.


The 7 Rules Of Fighting Fair On Valentine’s Day

Minimize the negative
Ticked off because your significant other didn’t make plans for Valentine’s Day? Minimize the destructive, contemptuous fighting tactics like blaming, attacking, name-calling, sarcasm, and mocking. No fight is perfect but low blows don’t get you anywhere.

Accentuate the Positive
Use fighting tactics to move you forward. Be open, vulnerable, genuine, and truthful, and tell your partner why it really matters.

Never take or give more than 50% of the blame
It takes two to tango! Maybe your date started the argument, but you were the one who responded poorly. In any fight, the highest percentage of blame any one person can have is 50%. It may not be easy, but if you can stick to this rule, you’ll be amazed how much more productive your fight will be.

Take 100% responsibility for your happiness and satisfaction
It’s your job to make yourself happy and yours alone. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you want something specific for Valentine’s Day or in your relationship, ask for it. Be direct.

Express and agree with the truth, always
Tell the truth. And, any time your partner says something that is true, acknowledge it. In most fights a lot of true things get said, but we don’t admit it. Really practice saying, You’re right…Good point…Hadn’t thought of it that way… And if you were wrong, fess up. The truth goes a long way.

Fight FOR, not against
Most of us fight against something we don’t want vs. fighting for what we do want. What are you fighting for? Do you want to be heard, affirmed, or to matter? Do you want to be closer? Get a certain result? Go for it directly. And watch the complaining, that’s never fighting for something.

Assume good will
Always assume the other person has good will, rather than ill will for you. Sure, you may sometimes want to hurt your partner or they want to hurt you in the heat of the battle. By assuming they have positive intentions, rather than assuming they have it out for you, your fight will more likely get resolved.


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